So I parallel double parked that motherfucker sideways

I'm finally going to get serious about leaving more notes on people's cars. I did it the other day and coincidentally got to see the guy's reaction. He read the note and then circled his entire car, with a facial expression that said "Pleeeasse.... this is fiiiiiiiine." Then I thought... "What if that guy came out and was handicapped or something?" Yeah, right. If that's the case then I'm definitely going out and kicking his ass for parking like that.

Plus he has the spinner from his dayton's in his hand, keys in his hand, reason again, to let you know he's the man

For a long time I was upset I didn't get a chance to see the movie "Iron Man," starring Robert Downey Jr. Even when the movie was being hyped up last year, I was perplexed by the fact that Hollywood gave this guy a leading role since the ongoing punch line for years that Downey was a complete drug addict and not particularly talented to begin with. So the fact that Marvel chose him to be a protagonist their movie never sat right with me. But as Ari Gold once said, "Hollywood loves a comeback."

From the reports of friends, I was pretty sure the movie would be pretty good. The current standard for super hero movies is set pretty high and all the ones I've seen have found a way to be impressive in their own way. "Iron man" was painfully unimpressive. There were a lot of fallible qualities in this movie but the one I hated most was the writing. I realize that Tony Stark as a character was supposed to the colloquial "man," one who is simultaneously cooler, hotter, smarter and more casual than all of us could possibly strive to be. But I haven't seen a character's characteristics shoved so far down an audience's throat since..... ever. It's never this horrible. Lines like "If my calculations are correct, and they usually are.....," make this movie not only unenjoyable but painful.

I realize that super-hero movies should be flooded with implausible scenarios, but there is a certain subtlety to character development that escapes this movie. Somewhere along the line, an audience member wants to feel that they've "discovered" something about the character that wasn't laid directly in front of them. Tony Stark and his epic "coolness" was shoved down my throat a day and half ago and I've been coughing him up and spitting him out the front door ever since.

Who the hell is this, emailing me at 11:26?

Oh yeah, yesterday morning I received the following text from a number I didn't recognize. "U told billy u told dss to stop the checks thats bullshit." I texted the person back telling them they must have the wrong number. Since that moment, I've become very concerned and I am considering checking up on the person who texted me and inquiring as to whether or not it was in fact, Billy, who was responsible for the checks stopping. Because if he is.... that's bullshit. 

Cracked My Head on the Steering Wheel and I Ain't Even Dead

About a week ago, I did something for the first time. I fainted. In front of about 20 people. There's nothing quite like regaining vision the way you do when you wake up from passing out suddenly. Everything was completely white, except for a small hole in the center of my field of vision. The whole grew and my buddy Brian's face came into view. Simultaneously, I'm regaining my hearing. However, there's wasn't too much noise coming from the party. Mostly it was just people with jaws on the floor wondering.... "Is he dead?" Slowly the hole grew until the whiteness disappeared. I could see.

My head hurt like hell, but I guess I expected some sort of discomfort. In the basement, the foundation has a built-in ledge that a lot of people were sitting on. It ran the entire perimeter of the foundation and was about 2 feet off the ground. I would like to thank God for making sure I was completely unconscious before I smashed the back of my head on it.

I have to agree with Dane Cook when he talks about there being no "cool" way to faint. But I'd like to add there's really no recovering either. I may as well have crawled into an iron lung immediately. Suddenly, I'm the 95 year old grandfather who's about die. You know what I mean..... when you see someone that's so old that you just watch them move about, getting out of cars, opening doors, ascending and descending stairs. It's a spectacle because at any moment, they could die. A femur bone will snap, and they will fall down, creating a domino effect of shattered bones amid a pile of lifeless skin. This is what I became after the fainting.

"Hey, just relax man. Please, sit down. Drink some water. You alright? You hit your head pretty hard. Yeah. That ledge. I dunno, like the back of your head, I think. You hit it like,... directly on your head. You didn't even brace for it. Your eyes just rolled into the back of your head and...... damn, man..... seriously.... take my seat. We thought you were dead."